When all hope is lost, remember it really isn't!
"God has forgotten you" "You must have really messed up for God not to use you in ministry somewhere" "You are not over depression because you suck" "You can't be a pastor, you blew it" "No on wants you around or to lead them" "You are going to lose everything if you try to wait on God" "He's done with you!"
That last one has been the ever present knife being twisted in my gut. It brings up so many questions like:
"What is God waiting for" "Am I missing something or suppose to do something" "God why won't you just let me in on what you are doing so I can settle down" "Are you mad at me God"
There are many more!
By the way, if this is too honest then you might not want to follow or read my blogs anymore, because honesty is all I have anymore.
It has been a battle, especially the last 3 nights. I turn 40 Thursday and am deftly afraid of being bankrupt, jobless and homeless around becoming 40. Could this happen? YES, Will these happen? Who knows, but this I have come to in allowing God to break through my blinders, that there is always hope as long as there is always God!
I had fallen into the trap of only trusting God when things were paid for or when I had a chance to preach. Those are the moments I felt as if God were happy with me and then came the moments where I wasn't being used (at least as I saw it) and those times came these hard thoughts. I had maid the mistake of only trusting God for current miracles and not for who He is. I had forgotten His promises that He will never LEAVE me nor FORSAKE me! I had forgotten that I AM HIS KID! I had forgotten that I CANNOT MAKE GOD ANY LESS HAPPY WITH ME THAN HE IS and that I AM APPROVED BY GOD! Some might argue against these last points, but let me remind us all (especially myself) that my approval status and God being happy with me does not rely on what I do but what Christ has done. God is not done with me, if He was, these fingers would not be typing this blog. I would be dead and home in heaven!
I want to thank Paul Gotthardt for his friendship and mentorship. God used his sermon on John 6 to lift the fog of my unbelief. You might want to check it to yourself: lifebaptistchurch.com. I needed that today and although the fight is not over, the worry lessened a ton today. Don't do what I have been guilty of this past week; not trusting God for what He has already done and will do!
I hope my struggle is a revelation to all of us that Christians struggle and that's okay as long as we point each other back to Jesus! He is the only One that can give you rest in the times of turmoil! He is the only One that can put you at peace when all hell is breaking loose!