There are days when my past still affects my present!

Rejection is not something we handle well. At-least it is something I have not handled well in the past. This week has felt like a week of rejection, in fact I just finished telling my wife how rejected I feel this week. Its funny how much I retreat into myself when I don't get affirmation I think I need or receive silence when I think I need an answer. I don't know about you, but usually when I get silence, it feels like rejection.

If you don't know, rejection has been one of the things I dealt with greatly as a child and youth. My real dad decided he didn't want a kid and left my mom. My adopted father left with my little brother without saying goodbye when I was ten. There were many men in my life that I would attach myself to only to find them no longer being part of my life for various reasons. This has haunted me throughout my whole life. There have been many men I have asked to disciple me as a believer or a pastor only to have them tell me they don't mentor others or that they don't have time for me. Yes, my sob story is sad but it also has an affect on my life. It has given me a wrong view of God throughout my walk with Christ.

I have wrongly looked at God like one of those men when I don't get what I want or in the time I want it. I easily forget that God always gives us whats best for us at that time. I usually turn to whining mode when I don't get what I want and then go into the same mode I am have watched in one of my children. It's the sit and pout mode, giving God the pouty lip with my arms folded (oh how I see my sin in my kids). There have been many times where I think I can pout God into submission only to find either humility or depression. When I pout, God doesn't give in and for this I am thankful but also humiliated. In God's goodness I see my foolishness, in God's love I see my selfishness.

God has never failed me but many times I forget this truth. When I struggle, the enemy loves to play on the insecurities I have had and brings them to a present light. The enemy gets me to look at my problems, my struggles, my insecurities when my gaze needs to be focused on the One who has made me new and has gloriously changed my position and identity.

This has been one of those weeks where the enemy has brought my past back into my face only to get my eyes fixed on the human in the mirror. This is usually a devastating place for me since looking into myself usually ends in depression brought on by sin. I know what I have done, I know what I am capable of and I know what happens when I weigh my ability versus the problem at hand: this shows me how small I am and how huge the problem is. When I put my gaze on my past, I usually forget my present standing. When I gaze on my human limitations, I usually forget God's unlimited power being lived in my life. To look at myself is devastating, but to look at God is life.

My past is a tool of the enemy, but it also is a tool in the hands of God to show the world and myself what He is capable of doing. How I feel while being used usually depends on who I am looking at, the mirror or my God! There are days when my past affects my present and then there are days when my present overwhelms my past! Thank you God for loving me and not throwing me away when I screw this life up! You are so good to me!


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