I hate silence, but is that a bad thing?

     It has been 2 months since my last writing honoring my son and the man he is becoming. Tons of happened in that time and the Lord Jesus has been incredibly good to us in growing us and challenging sinful patterns in my life and our family's structure. However, He is not talking to me about our future. Thus one of the reasons I have not written in a while ... well that and I have not made time for it because I was angry. I have been acting like a spoiled brat for the months of January and February. I have been angry that God will not open doors I wanted or has given me answers I desire. This has been my plight these last months and what began as an incredibly promising year, has quickly become filled with angst, worry, and anger. Yes, this has been my walk to begin this year and yes, I am admitting to you that I have not walked faithfully trusting the Lord for our future while He has had to drag me through this time. Yes, God has been astonishingly quiet about our future but not about my heart. 

     About a month ago, while I was feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in the muck and mire of my selfishness, I cried out "Lord, expose my heart" ... He did and He has. What I found was a man that quickly forgot the lessons learned (or maybe not learned) years ago and the constant message I have been preaching (but apparently not applying). My heart has forgotten that I was God's and there would never be a time when I wasn't. God doesn't withhold from His children and God always givens His kids what they need. When I don't receive from Him, it means that three things that my friend Paul Gotthardt continues to preach: 1) God knows what I am asking is not good for me and says no to me 2) I am not ready for what God has for me 3) God is not ready to give me what I am crying out because He sees the totality of everything around me which I cannot see. When God is silent about an area I am begging Him to talk to me about, it means that I am not ready to hear or He is not ready to reveal. This is where I must rely on His character and know that He wouldn't give me something that would eventually distance my relationship with Him. It is more important to Him for us to stay in community with each other than for me to receive what I want and leave His presence and care. He sees the outcome of His blessings before He ever gives them. He knows the traps that I may fall in and when He sees danger from the blessing, He doesn't give it but works through the problems that may arise. 

     God loves me too much to give me something that will cause me to fall in love with something other than Him. As my pastor, Tom Pendergrass has said to me several times, "God is not guilty of child abuse". What He allows and what He does is purposed to bring us into a deeper intimacy with Him, even if that means I have to sit a while longer during His work. This is my plight, to wait for God to reveal what He is doing and what He is taking us to. During His silence about our future, He has been incredibly gracious to provide for us and to meet every need. I am blown away by His overwhelming care, although I still don't like not knowing what's next for us.

     So, that leaves me with a few choices that I have to make. First, I can get angry (what I did choose at first) and not talk to Him or get bitter about my circumstances. Second, I am act like a baby and whine during my times with Him (something else I choose to do for a while). Third, Just walk around aimlessly without spirit and numb (something I refuse to do). Finally, I could remember that He wastes nothing and that He was working on our future long before He took us on this journey. I can remember that going back to school, leaving Faith Community, moving back to Ohio, being jobless for a while, working at Urbancrest's resource ministry, and waiting on Him is not a waste. He did not heal me to put me aside, but to use what He has done to bring us into what He is doing. So, I choose to wait with joy (and a little selfishness as I still don't like waiting). I choose to wait because God wastes nothing. I choose to wait because this past year hasn't been a mistake but the sovereign love of a sovereign God toward my family and myself. I choose to wait because He is better at creating than I am at sustaining. I choose to wait because whatever He is doing to a billion times better than whatever I want apart from Him. I choose to wait because of something Paul Gotthardt has preached several times; "God is preparing me for what He has prepared for me".

     So I wait ... for Christ and His tremendous plans for my life and my family. So I wait ... for you Lord!


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