The trap of results based intimacy!
It has been a little overwhelming and simply I could not understand how I had come from a place of incredible rest to a place of unrest. I hope I have not been crabby with anyone. The last few weeks I have struggled in preaching and held the pain of people leaving inside me. This last week I could not understand how I had gotten back to a place of weightiness. I have been preaching against this, calling people to intimacy without enjoying that same rest. I would not describe my life as easy and light. I would describe it as busy and heavy, the very thing I was preaching against.
Then yesterday happened. God was so gracious to bring me back to my journal over the last year and a half, simply my journey from depression and weight to freedom and rest. What God showed me was so good, but also was an indictment against something I have had a pattern of; results based intimacy! I have seen this devastating pattern of going to God for results and not simply to know Him.
I saw a pattern in my journals that I only wrote honestly when I was hurting and seem to forget that intimacy with God was not based on what I wanted God to do for me, but knowing God and allowing God to do what He wants to do in me. Many times I went to God intimately for what He could do and not to be with Him. "Hello, my name is Shawn and I use my relationship with God for my desires". I am a God user and here to say I want to stop. This is the same pattern I had been in the past month within my struggles. I had gone back to using intimacy with God to gain results instead of allowing the God of the universe to lead me, heal me and do in me what He desired.
Intimacy with God is not about what we need God to do or to push God into doing what we desire. It is the avenue which God shows us more of Himself and does the work He wants to do in us. There is freedom in coming to God simply for God. We don't take on weight that God has not given to us and we can live in the rest He gives! Rest and weightlessness come when we get rid of the expectations and simply go to be with God no matter what He decides to do! Please don't fall into the trap I have been in, find freedom in knowing God and that God will direct your steps where He wants! Enjoy the ride and enjoy God!